


can't bear the thought of you gone

by voidkxd



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Carol Danvers & Tony Stark Friendship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Peter Parker, M/M, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shapeshifting, Skrull(s), Sleepy Cuddles, Tony Stark Has Nightmares, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24859732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidkxd/pseuds/voidkxd
Summary: Tony just wants to rest his mind, but the empty void he feels within him won't let him.
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	can't bear the thought of you gone

**Author's Note:**

> This short fic was inspired by a fanart from cakearting from twitter called "Skrulls"  
> See the end for the reference picture
> 
> I recommend listening to you‘re somebody else by flora cash, bc it identifies with this fic pretty well.
> 
> for ghala

"Steve!", with a jolt he wakes up. Sweat is clinging to his body and a cold shudder runs down his spine. Only the soft touch of his bedcovers makes him aware of his surroundings. Darkness is encircling him, but he knows the way from memory. His walk to the kitchen remains silent, only the scared paddling of his feet can be heard. _It's been weeks,_ he thinks as he pours himself a glass of water. And it has been weeks. Weeks since a certain someone has been gone. He won't dare even think of his name, the memory still there, as is the sheer amount of pain.  
Walking down the stairs with his water glass in hand, he greets Jarvis with a soft morning. As many times before Jarvis knows better than to state how his sleeping pattern is increasing to become worse. Instead, he acknowledges the incredible Mr. Stark with a warm welcome. 

Hours later Carol joins him in the lab of the Starks Tower with the warm smell of coffee. "Good Morning Grandpa", she says, which does bring a rare smile on his face. "You do know you're technically older than me right?", he smirks back as he takes a sip from his coffee. "You're just jealous because I look like I'm in my 20s", she grins. The following slap of a paper ball is not what she expected. "You know what shellhead, I changed my mind you're actually a five-year-old". The nickname makes him wince but goes unnoticed by Carol. He puts on his best fake smile as if out of habit and they continue bickering, ignoring the big elephant in the room. Then yes, Carol has noticed. She notices almost everything when it's about her best friend. It's not like she doesn't see what effect it has on him. She can see his darkening eye bags, the slight unease in his body, and the walls he builds around his heart. But she watches from a distance, not wanting to freak him out even more. But it can't go on like this either. He desperately needs help, as much as he detests it.

"You know... you don't have to do this alone..". "Carol-", his words get cut off as a loud thumb can be heard on the floor above them. With fast feet, they both run to the mysterious sound and prepare themselves for a fight. Arriving there, the only thing they see is... a puddle of... red and blue?. "Oh hi guys", comes out of it as none other than Peter sticks his head out of what must be the parachute Tony integrated into his suit. "Peter? What the hell are you doing?", comes from a sarcastic Tony. "I was just testing out the new Suit Mr. Stark! Well, I could have stuck the landing a little better, but it's just the new suit- wait its nothing Mr. Stark, i-it's perfect thank you!". "And I was worried you hurt yourself oh thank god". After clumsily picking up the parachute with the help of the two others Peter finally got to his room, which left Tony and Carol to their own business.

"You know... I know someone who could help with your nightmares". This took Tony by surprise, he didn't think anyone knew. _Is it this obvious_? he asked himself as he gave a distracted nod to Carol and went back to his lab to continue working.

Later that night, long after the Stark Tower was mostly asleep, Tony sat on his bed thinking. Thinking about what happened weeks ago. Guilt creeping up his heart again as so many nights before this one. He was not ready to let go yet. Not with all those feelings bottled up inside him. He wasn't ready to confess them then and now he never gets the chance to. He planned to, of course, he really did, but it never felt like the right moment to and now its all long gone. He never even got the chance to say goodbye. Tears started to form in his eyes as he looked at the little drawing framed on his night-table. It was a gift from him. It showed the Stark's Tower in all its glory with a beautiful afternoon sky in New York. 

_He looked around the chaos that surrounded them. Quickly thinking of their next step he landed on the ground. "Okay guys I think I got something: someone needs to distract them so I can go look for the perfect spot to corner them. As soon as I found it the others will do so. That way we got all of them in one spot and can finish them". He looks around the faces in his team and sees them nod. "I'll go distract them. I can last five minutes on my own, but it won't be as entertaining without you". “It's nice to feel needed, winghead.”, Tony says as he winks at the other. The smile he gets from Steve is genuine and he feels just a little bit lost. "Stop staring into each other's eyes and let's go end those alien villains", comes from Nat, who shares a knowing look between the two of them. If there's a blush creeping up his cheeks, Tony ignores it as he shoots himself high in the sky. "I don't do sentiment, Romanoff". "Sure thing playboy". He could hear the sarcasm dripping from her voice even 100 meters above the city._

His flashback came into a stop as he heard soft whimpers coming from somewhere. He walked into the hallway and followed the sound to Peters Room. Softly opening the door as not to scare the kid he walked in. He couldn't make out much in the dark, but he could clearly see the shaking covers. Cautiously coming nearer he pushed it away to see Peter wide-eyed looking at him. Tapping on the light on his night-stand he pulled Peter into a tight hug. Not a word was exchanged, just Peter seeking comfort in his potential father figure. "I miss him", he said through tears and Tony didn’t know if he meant his uncle or Ste- someone else. But he understood and pulled him just a bit closer. "I'm here". After a few more minutes the teenager seemed to have calmed down enough because he slowly let go of him. "You okay?". "Yeah, just-... thank you I really needed that". "Sure thing kiddo". They sat together in silence as Peter was about to say something but stopped himself. Of course Tony noticed that: "What's wrong?". "Nothing just... I think you should get some help too. Like you might probably think we don't notice your tiredness, but we do. I'm sorry for your loss... I wish I had the right words, just know I care. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can. You don't have to do this alone". Tony looked stunned for a second. "Didn't know you're my new therapist", he said with a sad smile as he gently ruffled Peter's hair, which caused a giggle to escape from the latter. And that's all it took to make him smile one of those rare genuine smiles again that hasn't been seen lately. "Thank you, kid". "Of course Da- I mean Mr. Stark". "How many times do I have to tell you to just call me Tony. And I don't mind you calling me Dad or whatever else you want. As long as it's not something formally like Mr. Stark, it makes me feel so old!". He pulls a disgusted face which causes to make Peter laugh even more. After they both calmed down again they said goodnight to each other and went to sleep. That night the nightmares weren't as bad as the ones before. _Maybe Peter was right_ , he thought. Maybe he could use some help.

The next morning he kept thinking about how to approach Carol about this when suddenly some stranger sat in their living room. "I'm pretty sure this is my living room you're sitting in, so unless you have an invitation here I don't see any reason why-". "He's the friend I talked about", interrupted Carol who just emerged from their kitchen. A tiny "oh" is all that came from Tony as he watched the stranger more closely. "He's a Skrull though so please don't freak out!". "A what now??". "A Skrull, you better sit down for what I'm about to tell you". Tony did as he was told and sat into the chair next to them. "His name is Talos, he's an alien shapeshifter. He can transform into any person he wants", Carol continued slowly as to not scare Tony. "Yeah sure and I'm not the best Superhero, stop shitting me, Danvers". Carol rolled her eyes: "Alright go along Talos, show him". As soon as she said that the stranger's skin started melting and forming into something else entirely. It took only a few seconds, but instead of an ordinary human being there now stood a green alien Skrull. Tony couldn't trust his own eyes. His first thought was that Carol is just playing a trick on him, but her stern look proved him otherwise. It's not like he hasn't seen People from other worlds yet, but it still stunned him every time. "You really weren't kidding huh". The shaking of her head was the only answer he got. "Okay, but how is that exactly going to help-.... my problem?". "It will help you to let go. You know how I said he can transform himself into any person he wants?". "Yeah but I still don't understand how that's supposed to help me?". He stared at her with his confusion written blank on his face. "You'll see soon enough. Do you have a picture of Steve?". His confusion turned into anger "What has this to do with him? You don't know what my problem is about, do you? Or are you suddenly a mind-reader now". After years of their friendship, Carol knew that this was just his anger speaking and that he didn't really mean that. "You know no matter how smart you claim to be, sometimes you're just the most oblivious idiot I know". That's all it took for Tony to shut up. He reluctantly passed her his phone with a picture of said person on the screen. She took it and then showed it to Talos, which understood and began shifting again. 

It took Tony a few days to get used to seeing none other than Steve Rogers in the Starks Tower again. When he first saw him he got so overwhelmed he stormed off into his room. It wasn't his thing to show weakness, but he suddenly couldn't take it anymore and broke down crying as soon as his door was closed. He didn’t come out of it, until the very next morning. He needed to steel himself for what was about to come. He spoke to Carol and agreed to let her help him, which was a very not-Tony-thing to do, but he just wanted the nightmares to stop and he would do anything for that. The smile on Carol's face did totally not make him feel a tiny bit better. So he got to work and tried not to freak out whenever he saw fake Steve walking around near him. Within a few weeks, he got so used to the Alien Shapeshifter that he almost forgot that it wasn't really Steve. Almost. Because no matter how much Talos might try he could never replace wonderful, perfect Steve. And this reality crashing into him is what triggered him into a very terrible nightmare the other evening. His entire body was shaking and he couldn't stop the tears falling down his cheeks. That's when he felt a hand on his shoulder, which freaked the shit out of him so hard he fell out of his bed. "Shit sorry, you okay Tony?", was all he heard from Steve's voice. A nod is all he got from the Human as he helped him up on his bed again. "Sorry I just heard you had another nightmare and wanted to check on you". "Yeah- Yeah I'm okay, I'm fine". They sat in silence for a few minutes and just when Steve stood up to leave Tony to himself, he felt a hand on his arm holding him back. Curiously he looked back at the terrified face of the older. "Stay... please". It was barely audible and Tony was sure he didn't hear him, but Steve sat down to his previous spot. When his rational mind reminded him that the man in front of him wasn't actually _his_ Steve he ignored it. He just wanted to be held. To feel safe for once. To forget about all that happened and just be the two of them. So when he awkwardly crept forward to hug him, Steve let him. Because Tony Stark needed to finally move on. And when it's this what it takes him, then so be it. The first awkward hug became a safe place, with all the negative thoughts in his head gone. It's the first time he wasn't feeling the pain that he carried within him for a long time now. No, he felt free, he felt like he could do anything with the protective arms around him. He felt safe, happy, and most important: loved. He didn't have to hold back all those emotions, but could them all let loose. And that's exactly what they did. So when Steve noticed Tony's silent sobs he holds him just a little tighter. And so they fall asleep: within each other's arms. Their little safe-place. Just like how it was supposed to be.

This was one of the first nightmare-free sleeps he had, and little did he know more will follow. Tony woke up with an empty bed, but with a smile on his face. And that alone said as much as if one just won the jackpot in the lottery. And that's how it went on for many more nights. Steve coming into his room and just holding him, letting him fall asleep in his safe arms with a smile on his face. And if it's a bit unusual for them both, they quickly fall into a routine that fits them both perfectly. Even Carol and Peter have noticed that Tony feels increasingly better, seeing him more often with a smile on his face. Though he hasn't fully moved on, yet.

But he was ready. He was ready to let go and move past it. He just needed one more night. _Tonight is the one_ , he thought as he made himself ready to go to bed. Just as the many nights before he settled comfortably into his bed and waited for Steve to come in. He almost fell asleep, but the warmth sneaking up from behind him and pulling him into the other's chest woke him up before he got the chance to. They lay in silence for a while, the only sound coming from them is their soft breathing.

"I miss you", he said into the quiet room. "I can't ever forgive myself for not being able to save you. I should have been there, but I wasn't paying attention to you-".

"Tony-".

"No, let me say this. Please just... listen to me okay? The very first day I met you I thought what an old-fashioned prick. I couldn't stand you, I don't know why. To me, you were this soldier out of time, who got his superpowers as a gift. To me, you were just a laboratory experiment. I thought everything special about you came out of a bottle. But then I got to know you, really know you. You showed me there was more than just muscles. You showed me who you really are. A kind, funny, smart guy from Brooklyn, who was eager to learn new things, spare happiness and love unconditionally. I was so wrong about you. But when I finally realized that I couldn't resist always being near you. I didn't know if it was your charm or just us being best friends... or something else entirely. But this feeling grew stronger and stronger every day and no matter what I did I couldn't stop it. And believe me, I tried. I tried everything in my hands to stop it, but it made it even worse. I accepted it as a part of myself that I couldn’t change and just let it be. So I stopped avoiding you, much to the delight of you. And that's when I started to let myself hope. And believe me, hope can be wonderful, but it's also living hell on earth. I hoped that you might feel the same way about me. That you also couldn’t stop thinking about me and doing everything in your power to be as close to me as possible. Hope, it consumes you, drowns you and there's nothing you can do about it. And when the last breath from your lungs escaped and you were long gone, it felt like a big part of me went with you. I still feel like that. Because I knew then that it was all too late. I lost my chance with you and I'll never get it back. I realized then how deeply I felt about you and how I never got to express that. Because I was just **so** afraid. Afraid you might not feel the same way, afraid you might leave me and never talk to me again. Afraid you might be disgusted by me and see me as less than you did before. So I never said a thing. Too scared you wouldn't accept me and run. So even though it is now too late, I think you have a right to hear it anyway." He took a shuddering breath and mentally prepared himself to say the words, he imagined for so long, out loud for the first time: "I'm in love with you, Steve Rogers".

He holds his breath with his eyes closed and anxiously waited for the other's reaction. He's been quietly listening to every word Tony said and thinking about how their relationship must have been between the two. He felt rather than saw that this was a huge step for Tony. Saying all of this out loud was just what he needed to move on. So when he answered he chose his words carefully. 

"You know when Carol told me you were an oblivious idiot, I didn't think she meant it like that", that caused him a confused and annoyed look from Tony. "Look I might not be the real Steve, but of what I've heard the feeling was not one-sided. From what I see I think Steve wouldn’t even think about leaving you. You two had such a strong connection to each other, unlike anything I've ever seen. Both of you had a chance but it was just at the wrong time and wrong place. And although you might not have been able to tell him all of that personally, I'm sure a tiny part of Steve already knew. You're not that unsuspicious as you think you are it's fairly obvious you felt that way and so was he. And I know all of that just because of the stories Carol told me about you two". He stopped for a second and looked at Tony, who watched him with wide eyes. "So when I say he was in love with you too, I mean that in every way possible. And even if you guys missed your chance, Steve would want you to move on and live with your life to the fullest until your very last seconds", he finished. Only then he saw that tears started picking at the eyes of the other. He left him some time to process what he just said because he was sure it‘s a little too much right now and he's probably feeling a bit overwhelmed, but he needed to know that he wasn't the only one.

"Thank you".

"You're welcome, shellhead".

And with that, they fell asleep.

\---------------------

["Skrulls" by cakearting](https://twitter.com/cakearting/status/1274003319846055938)


End file.
